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kyle

[ website | speedwalker of 89' ]
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ready for fall, winter, spring. [08 Sep 2008|01:37am]
[ mood | sentimental ]

The summer came and passed before I even had the chance to write about it on livejournal. I spent part of it recovering, part of with mary, part of it in san francisco, part of it riding bikes down olive street drinking icing on the cake ice coffee from coffee nut, part of it not having a job(actually all of it), part of drinking smoothies, swimming, running the boardwalk(bring back emotional track star style), and all that good stuff. saw friends, some often, some not so often, read many books, watched a ton of films, shared passionate hugs with new and friends, played music, thought a full length would happen, but maybe winter? and so much more things.
School is back in session now, and I am living in a room that is a super upgrade from my room last year, I'm really happy about it. I miss home, but hope to use the mix emotions in my towards everything to write passionate songs about who knows. All my classes are very interesting and definitely seem challenging but I think I can handle it.
MORE FRIENDS WRITE ABOUT LIFE, WHATS HOOD
goodnight.

what better way to put my self in my place

reading list. [12 May 2008|02:27am]
School is over tuesday. I'm more than half way done with a 10 page paper due tuesday, I'm working really hard on it, so hopefully it pays off. I only have one exam besides that tomorrow.
It's been a while since I have wrote on livejournal, and it's been a pretty eventful past couple of months. I had surgery at the end of April on my kidneys, which turned out to the most painful recovery I have ever felt in my life before. I was under the assumption that I would be drugged up for one night in the hospital, and be released the next day. I was very wrong, and I had to stay in the hospital longer than I expected, and in horrible pain. When I got back home finally I stayed in long beach for about a week, in which I watched movies, and tried any method of distracting myself from the pain. which meant watching television for solely entertainment value. They prescribed me oxycodene which helped mask the pain, but left me with horrible nightmares some nights. It was a really rough time for me, especially since school is coming to a close soon. but since that first week of extreme pain, it's been getting better more and more, and towards the end of june I will return back to the hospital to have the tube that is in my kidney right now removed, and then I will have two healthy working kidneys.
So besides that I wanted to write here to make a note to myself of what I need to accomplish (reading wise) this summer.
I plan to-
finish The New Trilogy by Paul Auster
then read
The Fall by Albert Camus
Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut
V. by Thomas Pynchon
Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fittzgerald
Another Country by James Baldwin
Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon
more books by Paul Auster, and as much more as I can fit into the summer
any suggestions on good books to read?
2 | what better way to put my self in my place

super. [10 Dec 2007|01:09pm]
I've been super happy lately. insane amounts of happiness. I have a girlfriend who is amazing, I'm not stressed out about finals, and xmas is in like two weeks.
what better way to put my self in my place

when my palms grow bigger. [07 Nov 2007|08:11pm]
My eyes have been really weird lately. I think I am one of the only kids who is not a pothead and carries eyedrops around all day. Is it bad to use eye drops everyday? does your eyes stop producing moisture on it's own, like chapstick does to the lips?
I started looking at the coursebook for next semster yesterday and I'm pretty excited to pick some new classes. I am also very excited for both thanksgiving break and christmas break. I have been drinking a lot of apple cider, and makes me want to be home for thanksgiving time. I haven't been home since early october and I'm happy to go back home at the end of the month.
My new bike finally came and it rules. It's a fixed gear and it's a lot of fun riding around on the hills here, so it should be even more fun riding around long beach. I'm going to try to even ride it a lot during the winter time, and use a car in general as little as possible. Maybe to go to the witches brew every once and a while, but not much besides that.
I have to read some plato and burroughs tonight for classes tomorrow, should be lots of knowledge son! Have some vinyls in my room that i bought recently when i went to new paltz for an hour before going up to albany, excited to go home and listen to them, if anyone wants to do that with me! I had a lot of fun up at albany with jules. But to be honest the most fun I had was before we got drunk there. Going to bombers and the muddy cup and getting the tour of the city was the most enjoyable for me. It was really awesome to finally see one of my friends from homes new "home."
lataa.
3 | what better way to put my self in my place

I Use to Think Allen Ginsberg's Friends Were Fucked Up [25 Oct 2007|08:27pm]
Somewhere there is a ship that is sinking
but the caption is to stubborn to admit it.
I see it coming,
and luckily I can swim,
for it is better to be eaten by sharks in the middle of the ocean,
than to let self-pity drown you.

It must be hard to listen with permanent headphones on, projecting a clear mirage of
being
absolutely
right.
& it must be hard to fight depression,
when
you're
content
living with it.
I know it's hard for me to escape high school, when the negativity
I
was
trying
to get away from, intrudes into my living situation.
but I must state that lately I feel like someone who is watching a movie
I have never seen before, but already know the beginning through end.
there's no surprises.
I've seen the same mistakes made over and over, just with different characters.
Nothing in life is positive, if you break it down that far,
but that is a shitty thing to do to ones self.
Just like punching wooden walls,
bleeding splinters,
cringing at the sound
of unwanted familiar voices.
fuck you and your dependence.
and fuck me for caring
about
someone
who doesn't care.
so I'm cutting my ties,
to something I should have cut a long time ago.
what better way to put my self in my place

extra extra [26 Jul 2007|03:01am]
I really don't give the fuck about lindsay lohan, and her drug problem. I know many people with drug problems, and they don't make the cover of the newspaper once a week. We are using these stupid celebreties as distractions from the problems of the world. When has global warming made the front cover, or the truth about 9/11. And when will this war on terrorism end? because seriously how do we combat terrorism, through different colors and more fear? Our government puts more fear in American citizens then the terrorist do, and fear is in the definition of terrorism. We as a civilization suck. It's really that simple. We are so fucking distracted with drama over boyfriends and girlfriends, and who was mean to who, that we don't have time to look at how fucked we are in this world. I one day would love to have a wife and children, and a happy life, but recently it seems as if every baby born in america, is born on a battlefield. The world is a dangerous place, but yet I still write songs about girls? What's wrong with me? I guess it's easier to write songs about girls then global warming or the north american union act. But I guess on a local level I'll do things I think are bettering the world. Like being in a bathroom and using an air dryer instead of paper towels, even though it takes longer. Or riding my bike to buy an ice coffee instead of driving? or drinking a nice hot tea every night to keep me calm, because I doubt G.W. Bush drinks tea at night, he probably eats middle eastern babies. I'm glad I am playing a show tomorrow night in which all the proceeds go towards helping the homeless of long island. If we really want to make a difference in this world we need to start locally, and by spending 5 bucks on a show is an awesome and simple way to help out people. I hope everyone who is reading this and lives in long beach goes, because it's for a good cause, please don't make tomorrow just another thursday.
alright I'm done ranting.
1 | what better way to put my self in my place

last night, she said. [27 Jun 2007|02:23am]
last night I was riding my bike in the middle of the street at like 3ish in the morning, and I went to put my headphones for my ipod in, and I was checking to see the L sign for left ear, and R for right, but then I said fuck the system, and put them in without knowing if they were in the "correct" ears. I'm starting a revolution everyday!
what better way to put my self in my place

the future freaks me out. [16 Jun 2007|02:36am]
[ mood | confused ]

I spend a lot of time at the resteruant I have realized recently. I'm making a good amount of money which is good I guess. I enjoy being free of work more, but work shows me that I am responsible person some what. The summer is moving really fast. I find myself in this weird cycle of working, then going out, then coming home before 2 to watch futurama, and then going to sleep. I sleep real late and just do nothing for a couple of hours before work. I want to do some traveling this summer. On like a sort of local level, I don't like want to go on a really big trip, just to places like Mountauk, or Philly, or Providence, or Boston, or just somewhere fresh. I'm really confused about a lot of stuff lately. I need to hang out with new girls, because I don't know if I'm just going crazy or if it's real, but I feel like I'm either like being screwed with, or I'm screwing someone over, and I need to stop that cycle even if a big part of me really doesn't want to because I have felt comfortable in a weird way while being stuck inbetween that cycle. I guess that's the truth. I'm so use to those feelings that I haven't tried searching or waiting for something new.
I have to stop my urges for real. I have always been horrible at that.

2 | what better way to put my self in my place

school [07 May 2007|09:18pm]
0 papers left, 0 classes left, 3 exams to go. moving out the 14th.
what better way to put my self in my place

definitely your boy [22 Apr 2007|04:22pm]
So this culture shock weekend was pretty fun. It was really cool that jules, sam, ryan & steve came. too bad they didn't get to stay over and party but we got to see girl talk together. Girl talk, man man, and despot were really dope, and saturday was pretty cool. we grilled smart dogs and saw slick rick play at night.

Man the livejournal world these days is lacking. no body post anymore, and the one person who did, deleted me off their friends list. which I'm a little annoyed about, not because she deleted me, but the reason why. I just really need to put this out there that it upset me that kitty would delete me off her friends becuase of a stupid prank phone call that I didn't even do over the break. for real guys, you took that way too serious and I know for a fact that evan rebenowitz(or however you spell his last name) did not know shit about brian, and everything he said was completely random, and to automatically assume such a ridiculous thing, and get upset about it is just stupid. and the funny thing is that you guys prank phone call people more than anyone else I know. and I never got mad at you guys the times you did it to me. even the time when you guys had rachel price call me and pretend to a gangster kid who was coming to beat me up, and you had her say she had like a gun and shit. so if you want to talk about shit that would hurt people by doing prank phone calls, just think about what you do to other people. but really the whole reason I am upset about something I shouldn't care about, is because last week when I was bored I was looking at really old dead journal entries and I would see the comments people would leave me, and I would see that kitty usually had something to say that would help me out, and it was really nice that for that time in my life it seemed that someone could help me out with all my teenage bullshit. especially someone who grew up only a few houses away from me.
8 | what better way to put my self in my place

definitely your boy [22 Apr 2007|04:22pm]
So this culture schock weekend was pretty fun. It was really cool that jules, sam, ryan & steve came. too bad they didn't get to stay over and party but we got to see girl talk together. Girl talk, man man, and despot were really dope, and saturday was pretty cool. we grilled smart dogs and saw slick rick play at night.

Man the livejournal world these days is lacking. no body post anymore, and the one person who did, deleted me off their friends list. which I'm a little annoyed about, not because she deleted me, but the reason why. I just really need to put this out there that it upset me that kitty would delete me off her friends becuase of a stupid prank phone call that I didn't even do over the break. for real guys, you took that way too serious and I know for a fact that evan rebenowitz(or however you spell his last name) did not know shit about brian, and everything he said was completely random, and to automatically assume such a ridicilious thing, and get upset about it is just stupid. and the funny thing is that you guys prank phone call people more than anyone else I know. and I never got mad at you guys the times you did it to me. even the time when you guys had rachel price call me and pretend to a gangster kid who was coming to beat me up, and you had her say she had like a gun and shit. so if you want to talk about shit that would hurt people by doing prank phone calls, just think about what you do to other people. but really the whole reason I am upset about something I shouldn't care about, is because last week when I was bored I was looking at really old dead journal entries and I would see the comments people would leave me, and I would see that kitty usually had something to say that woud help me out, and it was really nice that for that time in my life it seemed that someone could help me out with all my teenage bullshit. espically someone who grew up only a few houses away from me.
what better way to put my self in my place

note to self. [07 Apr 2007|04:21pm]
it's weird but for some reason I miss long beach while in it. I go back to school tomorrow night after easter dinner, but I really feel like I missed out while I was virginia. I wanted to spend as much time in long beach this week, but I only got to spend a short peoriod of the break in it. it's really nice to be home. When you're in high school you really don't appericate long beach as much as you should. I mean there are some sucky bro's and brahs that live here but so what. I have small group of really good friends, and I really I'm lucky to have them. I have some really good friends at school too, but my buddies from home go way back. some I have known since I was 4, and some since 10th grade and up. but all them mean so much to me. I just felt like saying it publicly.
so in my life right now I need some after dinner coffee but I need to eat dinner before that, summer to come, less alcohol, no drugs, less coffee even though I don't want to, less cookies, more listening to old music I use to be into, some bubble tea, school to be over so I won't have to write anymore papers, more photographs, a hollow body guitar, a classical guitar, a girlfriend, play more shows, sea and cake show june 7th, jim and pam to get together on the office.
good looks son.
2 | what better way to put my self in my place

even the mona lisa is falling apart. [24 Jan 2007|02:11am]
in three days it will be three years. tomorrow it will be two days to three years. the next day there will be one day to three years. and then there will be three years. Ronnie lost me before I lost him. He was a great guy, "who's heart was too heavy to hold." he kept in contact with me throughout every year. even when I lost contact with him. He knew that we grew up together and he knew it would stay that way till death. things never did change. he always had a friend in me, and I felt the same towards him. I will never ever understand what makes up a friendship, but a friendship like his is something you won't ever forget.
and that's why it hurts to feel like an enemy in a group of friends. It honestly hurts a lot to know that there will always be someone talking behind you, and I hate that feeling. That's why I'm trying to remind myself everyday that that is not friendship or love, it's pain. I'm trying so hard to not talk badly about people because it sucks to recieve it.
I'm stuck between friends, school, and music. when I play my guitar in my room late at night I'm talking to myself through my words in my songs. and it's a great feeling. I can sing about ronnie, I can sing about friends, and I can sing about love, and how much I wish I had it. I would love to make music all my life and leave something when I die. it's something so timeless. it keeps me up some nights, and all I can think about is touring in a small van and playing for new people every night. Facing my fears of critizism and everything and just playing music. And if I want to do that, I can't bullshit about it and just talk about it. I have to do something with it. practice till every note sounds fucking perfect. till I'm so into the music that the words just flow out of my body, and not out of remembrance or thought. but it doesn't sound like that to most of my friends back home. it's me being selfish and not caring. I mean for god sake people, don't you all recongnize your own changes. some of you I only see you as a couple, not an indivual. And all of you have been wrapped up so tight between your bedsheets that you all start to bleed into eachother and lose the indivuality that made you in the first place. we are all looking for someone to blame for everything that went wrong in life, everything that changed, that we just blame eachother until we feel better about ourselves. we blame eachother for new relationships, for new bands, for new addictions. I'm sick of that.
I don't blame myself for ever being happy. and when I play music in front a crowd there is nothing like it. walking off stage sweaty and tired, you can't buy a drug like that, or find a girl or boy to stasify that feeling.
It's impossible to keep living in 10th grade.
I'm sorry to bring that up in the same entry as one about a dear friend who passed away but it's honestly how I feel lately.
Rest in peace ronnie. I miss you a lot and I wish things were different in life, and I wish you were around. but I feel really happy knowing that you are protecting me from all the evil and scary things in the world.
thanks for that ronnie.
4 | what better way to put my self in my place

I'm all about a new year [10 Jan 2007|04:49pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

I have a good feeling about this year. It's been pretty good so far i guess. I fainted one night, but besides that I feel healthy somewhat. I listen to brian bonz a little too much over the break, and saw him, kevin devine, and pablo play in brookyln which was real good. I played a show at the funky monkey and we made $80 bucks off of it. it was fun, some good friends came out for it. but I want people who have never heard us to hear us. I spent probably around $200 bucks in food this break. Mostly between ay, abes, ginos, and starbucks. I went bowling, and bowled a 55 I think. I sucked at it, but it was fun to see tim roll some gutterballs. Got gully at WII bowling though. Bowled in the 200's. I almost saw two fights at lisa's suprise keg party. Didn't really got drunk though because mad heads kicked the keg and didn't pay. Rode bikes with kate and kate wadkins. Saw some really good sunsets over the break. Listened to more brian bonz. Didn't get any squally. went to my first bar a couple days before xmas for a xmas party. Not really about people at bars that much. More about drinking on the beach. Which I only did once over the break. But my hands were freezing, and my eyes were tearing for the cold. So we didn't even finish our 40's on the beach. Constantly weighing myself. One day i'll be 140, and the next 148, and the same day 143. I don't know what's with my body. I eat a lot of midnight snacks. Probably too many. Lots of chips'n hot sauce. Watched a lot of movies on tv, like everything is illuminated, point break, waynes world, and a lot of new degrassi's which I'm all about again. Watched a lot of twlight zone on new years. Drank champagne that tasted like apple juice. sat on the side of tittys house with bailey, with brian bonz stuck in my head. danced to miracle of 86 on new years with a couple of kids that know it. Realized that some people aren't that bad. It felt weird being a college kid and not a high school kid. Had lots of nights with cold hands. Played lots of chess matches with paul. Won a few lost a lot. Went on rides to get guitars fixed with paul out on the island, and ended up in queens. Went to jandi's, ate a sandwhiche and apple juice. it was yummy. bought organic shampoo and cough drops that were straight up honey. Broke my plan of all an all new future. but I'm excited to go back to purchase as a new kyle who is not into the same girl as last semster. broke my laptop a couple of days before xmas. fell down my stairs with it. talked to a girl a lot over the break on aim that I only met once. spent couple of different days in the mall. going in when there is daylight. coming out when it's dark out. watched a lot dick in a box. drove home from the mall to at drive-in with my brother. got really drunk on pauls birthday. eat a lot of food at pauls. watched wassup rockers with jules and myles. didn't smoke pot or anything drugs, I'm a good citzen. wore a lot of stripe shirts. dreamt some weird dreams, with girls I don't really know from school in them. Drink a lot of chocolate tea late at night. eat a lot of crackers with cashew butter.
you know, a lot of different things.
tonight I'm going to the city.
peace.

3 | what better way to put my self in my place

I can't get that sound you make out of my head. [23 Nov 2006|09:48pm]
Being home I'm trying to figure out which part of my life so far I connected with myself the most. I think 10th grade was that for me. I fell like since that year it's just me trying to recreate that same sense of life since. When I'm away at school it's different. Life flows differently. But when I'm home it's so confusing and I find myself imagining feelings, and seeing scents, and everything I'm looking for in life, maybe?
All I know is that 6 days home isn't enough at all for me. I need some more to time to appericate this side of my life. December 16th though I'll be back for a month, around my favorite holifay time. xmass.
Too many people and things to do in 6 days.
what better way to put my self in my place

It use to be so easy I didn't even try. [20 Nov 2006|01:22am]
[ mood | bummed. ]

Totally bummer mood brah.
It was really good to see darren after mad long. But too much partying for one for me. A lot of mixed emotions towards drinking right now, after feeling sick all the way till six o'clock last when he had really good burritos in port chester for only five dollars and eleven cents. I'm try to cut back on alcohol just because I feel sick when I think of it at the moment. So I don't know how I will feel when I get home, so no one give me shit! There's too much alcohol at college, I need a break from everything here. I love being at purchase and I think it's a college that totally fits me, but it's been a while since I have been home. It's been probably a month, and it feels so much longer when you're not there. I'm excited to eat thanksgiving just because I'm gonna get to see all my family. The foods really not the big part of it, but for some reason I feel like I'm entering this thanksgiving as an adult to my family. Being one of the youngest of 24 cousins on my mom's side it's a bummer being looked at as a kid, and I always felt that at big family holidays. But this year I'm in college, I live away from home and I'm becoming more indepent(I do my own landuary!). I'm finally growing up. And maybe if I didn't shave for a month I would have a five o'clock shadow. It's time to eat thanksgiving dinner. I'm ready to answer all those, "So how is college going kyle?" I have a big research paper due tomorrow, and he have to do a presentation. But after tuesday morning all that is done for 5 days of just long beachess. I miss the boardwalk, it's a big part of me. Why drink at big college parties when you could freeze on the beach and hide from cops under the boardwalk. It's all a balance. I have been in a really bummer mood since mostly yesterday. people people people.
I have to work on making myself happy, instead of trying to find someone else to fill that gap. happiness mate.
"We have a whole life to live together you fucker, but it can't start until you call." I'm putting it on my xmas list.

2 | what better way to put my self in my place

bring my car, I feel to smash it. [09 Oct 2006|01:47am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Is it possible to feel kind of good, and bad at the same time.
There has been a couple of things that have made me happy tonight like finding out my 10:30 class tomorrow is cancelled. which means no class till 2:30. Also seeing the I'll eat your Heart out video from last night made me really happy. Seeing some people this weekend made me really happy.
but at the same time, I didn't even start studying for my midterm on tuesday. My allergies are killing me and I can't breathe or see. I have been some how mixed into numerous stupid things this weekend. And I have realized that in a situation were I thought I was the bad guy, I am really not. Everyone else is just as worse.
I am the distance between here and there that you'll never complete.
I am the car alarm that won't go off.
I am the worse lie you told your best friends.
I am $100 dollar sweatshop shoes, and your fifty dollar sweatshirt.
I am a stupid poem.
I am only in it for money.
I am the memories that won't happen ever again.
I am the house's you don't live in anymore.
I am the last nightmare you had.
I am the first drug you tried
I am the first beer you drank
I am the girl posing topless degrading myself.
I am a bumper sticker friendly quote.
I am your first dog.
I am your son's bestfriend
I am your daugther's ex boyfriend
I am your hot shower.
I am your warm bath.
I am your first teenage angst.
I am your stupid ego.
I am your anti-drug
I am your reason for doing drigs
I am your home away from home.
I am never near you.
I am so close.
I am losing it everyday.
I am finding my place.
I am you finding your place.
I am the movie that scares you.
I am the monster under your bed.
I am the lonely other half of your bed.
We are all completely a like.
You make as much sense as I do.
We're all going to die.
and it scares us.
more and more.
each day.
we all are afriad of emotions.
We are all afriad of the wrong image.
I am your friend.
I am the distance between here and there.

2 | what better way to put my self in my place

you oughta be on top of me, but your just too bloody [14 Sep 2006|12:07pm]
[ mood | calm ]

School is pretty awesome. That is besides the work part.
There are some pretty dope people, some dope food, and some cool classes.
We were in a temporary triple for a little while, but our other roommate finally moved out and we changed the room around so much. It looks sick now. I finally have my own desk and I'm just happy with all the space i have now. Plus we have an extra bunk, so if anyone wants to come through, please doooooooooo.

what better way to put my self in my place

goodbye's are coming soon [02 Aug 2006|01:18am]
[ mood | hot ]

I'm sorry to all the people i act like a jerk to. I don't know why i do it. I keep on asking myself am I fucking things up with certain people, or am i helping myself and make the goodbye's a lot less dramatic? I just feel like I'm losing a lot of people that i love. I don't see some people as much as I use to, and some people just don't the same to me as they use to. But these are a number of people i guess, I'm not aiming at just anyone. I don't know, 23 days left till I leave, till I change? till people change? I don't know.

1 | what better way to put my self in my place

please excuse me, but i have to ask. [23 Jul 2006|12:45am]
[ mood | content ]

A lot has happened recently and I haven't wrote about it at all. Orientation was really awesome. I was really scared going up there i actually made myself feel sick. But after a little while i met some people and everything went smooth.
I played ultimate frisbee with a bunch of kids all night and it made us all feel real close even though we all had just met.
I feel a lot better about leaving since then. But I am sad about leaving my band and everyone. I love playing music with Paul and Rory, it just feels good when we are playing and the energy is just perfect. But a lot of times because Rory works 7 days a week we have to play when he gets off at 10, which a lot of times keeps me from hanging out with people, and it really puts me in a catch 22. I feel bad telling good friends I can't hang out, but it's just that music is just so important to me. I'm not trying to ditch anyone for my band, and i hate when it comes off that way. but i just don't know how to respond when i feel cornered.
I saw the new M. Night film the other night which was really cool i thought. He is one of my favorite directors ever since i was 12 so it's kind of hard for me to not like anything he makes. He has a crazy mind.
I went through a journey the other night, but i tell you that story in person. life is like tetris, we are all trying to fits pieces together, but some don't fit together, and eventually everything flows up to the end, but there's always up and downs, but the up's feel so good and the downs are'nt so good. But that's life. I don't feel sad at the moment and I'm happy with that. Every good moment counts.

what better way to put my self in my place

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